Spank Me I’m Your Work Slave!

For some odd reason, even though I recall unsubscribing quite a few times, I’m still on the email list over at Savvy Miss-the website that claims it’s For Intellectually Curious, Fun-Loving Women.

Don’t get me wrong. Really I like to think I straddle the whole “fun-loving” and “intellectually curious” pretty well, though admittedly most often I find myself teetering in the “intellectually curious”/”analytical kvetch” category. The point in all this is that female categorizations or gender qualifications of any sort tend to lend themselves to stereotypes.

So today I look at my gmail inbox and see Quiz: Are You The Office Brat and the actual exercise is “Are You The Office Bitch” and I can’t help but find this subtle semantic substitute just a wee bit reproachful.

Inappropriate conduct explicitly aimed at female bloggers is populating all the social criticisms of today’s media and yet some site that claims it’s for me written by people like me is demanding that I classify myself in terms of stale archetypes: The Corporate Dominatrix, the Goddess (the spiritual you), the Governess (the schoolteacher and mentor), the Queen (the sovereign) or the Schoolgirl (the student and apprentice).

I’m still trying to figure out how many market research focus groups Savvy Miss commissioned to come up with these catch-all titles (kinda like how many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?), but I’m missing out on how all this doesn’t somehow undermine the plight of the female blogger. Thinking in terms of social schemas is easy and it’s convenient, but ultimately its cost can be greater than we’re willing to pay.

Besides, so what if I’m The Office Bitch. Does that mean that I don’t crave a good, hard spanking once in a while?

Ah. Silly Savvy Miss. Didn’t cha get the memo? Tricks are strictly FTB (for the boys).

Courtney Love To Auction Off Kurt Cobain’s Dirty Flannels

Courtney Love is either in dire financial straits (needs more money to fund another face lift or liposuction) or severely emotionally damaged because she is holding an auction at Christie’s and auctioning off her former husband, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s skivvies.

Ok, so maybe it’s just his flannels, but still. In an interview with Spinner, Courtney Love said:

“My daughter doesn’t need to inherit a giant … bag full of flannel … shirts,” says Love, former frontwoman of the rock band Hole. “A sweater, a guitar and the lyrics to `(Smells Like) Teen Spirit’ — that’s what my daughter gets. And the rest of it we’ll just … sell.”

Perhaps Courtney isn’t seeing much financial promise in her upcoming album, Nobody’s Daughter.We’re just hoping that the title’s reference is not her own daughter. One damaged celebrity teen crisis as the product of really bad parental figures is about all we can handle at the moment.

Is Gwen Stefani Channeling Marilyn Monroe or Madonna?

Hasselbeck To Call Her Newbie Rosie?

“The View” is all about public announcements these days. How is it that a show whose premise is gossiping yentas unleashing every private, intimate detail fosters an environment of explicit candor? In short, why do people bother hiring publicists if they are just gonna go on “The View” and tell all? And what’s with all the announcements?

Last week Rosie O’Donnell made public her news that she was leaving the show. On Friday, Alec Baldwin said he wants out of his show and now Elizabeth Hasselbeck is expecting a child and wants the world to know she loves Rosie O’Donnell, even if the two represent ardently oppositional political camps.

Did we mention Hasselbeck’s pregnancy is another slated “announcement” on “The View” today?

Introducing The Amaldo.Com Cast

For the week that was 4/29, Beth tackles Alec Baldwin, Heather Mills, Sanjaya, Richard Gere, Sarah Silverman, and Rosie O’Donnell in her weekly podcast.

This week’s Amaldo.Com ‘cast: Spring Cleaning!

A Brief History Of A Weightless Flight

Apart from the very simple explanation of a Black Hole me and most of the world wouldn’t really understand what it is.  But still, the world of science would not have been the same without Stephen Hawking. A couple of days ago, after 40 years of being in a wheelchair due to ALS, and speaking only with the assistance of a computer, Hawking, for a short while, was in zero gravity. The 65-year-old was the first person with a disability to experience the flight by Zero Gravity Corp. Shortly after the flight the Professor said: “It was amazing. The zero-g bit was wonderful…I could have gone on and on. Space, here I come.”  Where I come from they say that the shoemaker always walk barefoot, but not in this case.

Schilling Puts The “Red” In The “Sox”

So I don’t usually post on sports. Tech and celebrities are more my vices, but this goodie was too funny not to report on.

In what has become dubbed the media frenzy known as Sockgate, “self-promoting blowhard” blog-happy Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is offering $1 Million to anyone who can prove that the alleged bloody sock he wore in Game 6 of the 2004 playoffs was a fake publicity stunt, and actually paint.

Whether or not the blotted sock was the end-product of some Michaelangelo-inspired moment, the fact that Schilling’s own teammate would betray him by leaking to an opponent’s team sportscaster that it was indeed “a publicity stunt” is way lame. Of course, how does one go about cashing in on a $1 Million bet about a bloody sock?

Thoughts?

Justin Case You Didn’t Have A Life, There’s Justin.TV

Ever watch “EdTV“? It was a movie starring Jenna Elfman (when she still acted back in the 90s), Matthew McConaughey (when people found him hot), and Liz Hurley (when people actually remembered who she was, before she was pissing off her gizillionaire husband’s parents).

Anyways, the film’s premise was that Matt/”Ed” gets followed around by a camera crew 24/7 and his life becomes one big “Truman Show” only he’s in on the fame so there’s no actual collusion going on like in the Jim Carrey version.

Ok, so skip ahead like ten years and jump into the reality TV/voyeur-inspired Web 2.0 bubble. A few dudes from NYC moved to San Fran (Web 2.0 capital of the world) and found a start-up with the same sort of theme: Let’s follow “Justin” around and record his life around the clock on video!

So these dudes don’t win any points for originality, but even Newsweek made mention of them in a recent issue so we know they pay mad money for a good publicist at the very least. Either that or they lucked out with investors and relied on alternative skillz to hook that up.

But why go by my cynical opinion of JustinTV?

Check it out for yourself. And be amazed and how very slow the clock moves while you’re watching some random guy (you’d probably vehemently dislike if you ever actually knew him) sit in front of his own computer screen chatting with his fans. At least Justin provides us with an agenda of his day to get us motivated and TGIF, Friday looks fun!

1:30 PST: Justin looks for real estate with his parents. (We know he must be doing quite well with this little start-up venture) And then there’s the Wired Rave Awards tonight. Justin is sure one lucky boy. Not to mention he gets to meet the whacked out Irene from Real World Seattle. Just the kinda mid-day mind trip from reality type of distraction we all envy the boy for.

Just shoot me. I’m so uncool. I’m still amazed that there are people my age that actually muster enough energy to go out past 9 on a Friday night.

Comedians Aren’t Funny In Newsweek

I happened to read the same Newsweek article mentioned in the previous post. I don’t dig “The Simpsons” so much so I can’t share Ariel’s enthusiasm, but I can share some of my insights about this summer preview article Newsweek unveiled on its unsuspecting readers.

Ok, so I read it twice, maybe three times. I kept thinking maybe I was missing out on the point of the piece? It’s a summer preview of all the comedies coming out this Summer. A lot of these movies star my favorite funnymen: Seth Rogen, Steve Carell, Robin Williams, Paul Rudd (questionable w/out Ferrell and Carell alongside), Adam Sandler, etc. And yet…And yet…

Why did Newsweek pay these guys to do tongue-in-cheek type reviews of their own films “in character”? The premise was just a little too weird for my pea-sized brain to wrap itself around.

Case-in-point: Paul Rudd is starring in “The Ten“-an anthology-based flick loosely based on the actual Ten Commandments in which each characters’ story somehow relates to one of the commandments.

So here’s what Rudd (as “Jeff“)writes for Newsweek:

Though it’s debated, many people believe that there was a first set of commandments that Moses smashed in a fit of anger (because the Israelites chose to worship the golden calf. Great!). Through extensive research (i.e., Wikipedia), a few of the originals have been unearthed. Drumroll, please:

• Thou shalt not get a tattoo of an Asian proverb if you’re a lame white guy.
• Honor small, medium and large. Tall, grande and venti are for jackasses.
• Thou shalt never try and live with bears.
• Thou shalt not go back to Rockville (specifically for R.E.M.).
• Thou shalt never, never, never, ever buy a Hummer.

Huh? Maybe it’s just too obscure to have comedians pretending to be actors acting “in-part” pretending to be writers describing their pretend roles to readers.

Can the equation work when only one of its component is actually real?

A few days ago I read about the upcoming “Simpson’s” movie in the printed (!) edition of Newsweek. One quote, made by producer Al Jean who has been with the show since the beginning caught my eye: “Every time someone creates a Ralph Kramden or an Archie Bunker or a Homer Simpson, it’s considered one of the greatest characters on TV, because that’s who people really are. We’re a show about a family, a screwed-up family, and that’s where most people come from.” The dude is making a good point. I would also add Al Bundy to the equation. Now all we have to do, is wait for the movie.

Richard Gere is Just A Doofus

I used to heart Richard Gere. For a long time, I didn’t understand why at the age of 16, I found him to be the sexiest man alive. In my mid-20s, my feelings faded a bit. There was his divorce from Cindy Crawford (who I never understood why he married), coupled with rumors of gerbils involved in boudoir activity, and all this somehow cloaked under his trademark Zen/Buddhist BS nonsense.  

I smelled a hypocrite.

So when news came last week of his actualization on what can only be termed an explosion of affection (watch the video) for a certain Bollywood actress at an AID awareness rally (of all things) and in Delhi (of all places), I had to question if Gere had succumbed to that off-the-rocker mental state so many other big Hollywood actors fall victim to. Tom Cruise: Can you hear me?

So because it’s taboo to do such outwardly displays of public affection in India, people are setting fire to Gere effigies there.The story is that Indians found Gere’s behavior so objectionable that they are going to such lengths to show it. But… Wait a second. Back up. Why do Gere effigies exist there in the first place? Anyone find that just a tad odd?

Indian actress Shelpa Shetty had this to say of the incident:

“I am happy that this has happened because at least now people will talk about the issue of Aids and HIV,” she said.

Correction: Everyone is talking about the kiss. The event is tangential.

I Fart Therefore I’m Sarah Silverman

Every year, I quasi eagerly await the annoucement of the host of the MTV Movie Awards. It’s akin to the anticipation I feel at the announcement of the Oscar’s host.  I haven’t been all that into the MTV hosts in forever. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Alba in recent years didn’t do much for me. At least JT can sing and dance, but still. Is he or isn’t he “with” Scarlett Johansson? Who cares. At least, she’s funny… 

Anyways, this year’s MTV host is someone who is definitively NOT funny. She may have her own show on Comedy Central, but Sarah Silverman’s irreverent I’m a pretty girl and can fart act is as irritating as my upstair’s neighbors moving furniture at 11:50 PM on a weeknight. Then again, why did Comedy Central give Michael Ian Black (nee Michael Schwartz) his own show? Doesn’t he have enough gratuitous exposure over at VH1’s ”Best Week Ever”?

Boo on you MTV. So very, very unoriginal. And tsk, tsk to Comedy Central while I’m at it.

Tomorrow On “The View”: A Yenta

Last week, the infamous voicemail message from Alec Baldwin to his 12-year-old daughter (the one where he calls her a “rude, thoughtless little pig”) leaked all over the internet. Here on the blog, we debated a bit the media frenzy surrounding the whole incident. As was evidenced with Anna Nicole Smith, the media has a penchant for going too far in the realm of exploitation of celebrities’ personal lives, but who pays the ultimate toll?

Well, this time it would appear to be Alec Baldwin’s acting career. Baldwin was making pretty serious strides in his career, what with “The Departed” and “The Good Shepherd.” He’s proven that not only is he adept at playing the serious dramatic thespian every actor aims to be, but he’s a damn funny guy and a critical asset to “30 Rock.”

So it’s a sad day today for a couple reasons. First off, I’m really tired and dragging at like 9 AM. I realize not many of you care about that too much. But secondly, my friend took a big exam and thinks she failed. Also, bad. I feel very sad for her. But third, the only other show besides “The Office” on the NBC Thursday line-up I liked (”30 Rock”) might have go on without the presence of Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy.

In what’s sure to be the nail on Alec’s career coffin,  tomorrow on “The View” he will publicly apologize to his daughter (Huh? Ever heard of a phone, Alec?) and make mention of how he wants to be released from his “30 Rock” contract. “No can do,” says NBC.

Talk is already circulating that Alec would be the perfect Rosie replacement when she leaves “The View” in June. Double Huh? That’s a definitive flush down the can for Baldwin’s acting career.

One thing’s clear from all this. Baldwin needs to fire his publicist STAT. Clearly whoever that person may be is blowing some heavy crack. And I’m not talking all the steam that’s blowing out of Tiny Fey’s head right about now.

Jimmy Fallon anyone? Ugh, perish the thought!  

Just A Joke

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a queen cannot control.” George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.” (Thanks to Ima and Aba)

Oh Rosie, Oh Rose

A whole lot of happiness surrounded me today, when I was reading Reuters entertainment news section. First, because I will no longer have to feel sorry for Paul McCartney and his upcoming financial loss every time my dear wife wants to watch the “Dancing With The Stars” thing. I would like to take this opportunity and thank the American public for kicking Heather Mills out of that already bad show. The second thing is Rosie O’Donnell leaving “The View”. To be honest, I have never watched the show, never. The only thing I do know about this show is that Rosie was making a lot of noise, way too much. So I’m happy she is out of there, and maybe for a short time, people will have other things to talk about other then O’Donnell’s pearls of wisdom.

Because What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You

It’s Wednesday morning and I have a day ahead of work, actually two minutes till I officially start my work day but I’m daydreaming about 10 PM tonight when I get to finally watch “Lost.”

Why must I live for that one hour of reprieve and all its promise of more questions and further disappointment at the hands of inadequate plot development and brilliant scripting that just hooks me further until I cannot and will not miss an episode? Even for “South Park”? Why do I torture myself so? Why do you torture yourself so?

To help ease my readers’ pain (and my own) and smooth the transition into the work day a little, I had to share this bit of info that the good folk at Buddy TV have revealed about the upcoming episodes of “Lost.”

Disclaimer: Don’t read on if you don’t wanna know what’s good for you.

The major item of interest I learned in skimming over the synopsis of the next few weeks’ worth of episodes of “Lost” is that someone BIG will die and it won’t be Charlie. I’m sorta relieved about this since I’m beginning to actually like the bugger. What I’m not so crazy about is that one of the major characters: Jack, Sawyer, Locke, or Kate will be dying. Of course, this doesn’t preclude their existence on future episodes of “Lost” as we know how the show loves to bring dead characters back for life before the island sequences, but still. I’ll hate to see John Locke go. He was a decent bugger once too. But maybe it won’t be Locke. Maybe Jack will die. And perhaps all this will unfold in the episode where Locke and Jack finally duke it out. Forgot to mention that was in the spoiler too.

Adam Sandler & Kevin James Coming Out Of The Placard

Adam Sandler and Kevin James’ new comedy, “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” is a remake of the original French film starring Gerald Depardieu and Daniel Auteil in which Daniel pretends to be gay to save his job.

In an interview for Newsweek, Sandler defended “King of Queen(s)?” co-star Kevin James’ heterosexuality, saying:

This movie says there’s nothing wrong with being gay. There’s just something wrong with being gay for Kevin James. I know Kevin, and it’s kind of a strange thing to have to play. So to ease the tension, before the first day of shooting, we had sex with each other. We just got it out of the way so it wouldn’t be an issue. It’s an old tip I picked up from working with (Jack) Nicholson.

That’s what I like to call a little TMI.

The Flicker Show Is Boring

I’m trying to look for something interesting in last week’s box office hits but what can I say? I can’t. First comes “Disturbia” with this wannabe actor Shia LaBeouf whose appearance in SNL made me understand I don’t want to see this movie. Second comes Anthony Hopkins, who is replying the same Hannibal Lechter gig over and over again, this time in “Fracture.” I guess we’ll have to settle with “Blades Of Glory” which has grossed over $100m in the four weeks it’s been running.